Ambition

There is an angry man inside of me…

Well, there used to be

A shadow that followed me for many years 

But one day, I snapped

I wrapped my hands around his neck 

And watched his face slowly turn blue 

I’m ashamed of how much I loved the violence

I have a secret I never meant to keep

I love the feeling of isolation 

But I am so scared of being alone 

This is the problem with the forest 

I’m attracted to the comfort of silence  

Yet, frustrated by the lack of connection 

I’ve spent so many years living as a puppet 

I have spent so many years trying to be better

But I am the best at all the wrong things 

I taught myself,

“If I can not be great at being good

Then I must be the best at being bad.” 

I have never been a boy, and I’ve never cried wolf

But I have been a girl 

Too self-absorbed in her own sorrow 

I am so sick of being confined to being a victim  

My biggest accomplishment reduced to being alive

I have always craved more 

No one believes me 

I wouldn't either 

The ocean is bigger than my experiences 

The forest is home to more than me 

So maybe life is fair because life is unfair to all 

Is there beauty in sickness? 

Is romanticization necessary for survival? 

I feel the pain of someone who has lived a thousand lifetimes 

Shouldn't I be wiser? 

Stronger? 

I have spent too many years locked in my room 

Whimpering like a wounded dog 

I can't live like this anymore

I am an angry woman

That's why I killed him 

That's why I liked it 

-e.i.a

02/07/2024